Something which both my sister and I feel about very, very strongly, save organic lemonade rations and Glee, is the 2008/9 comeback of 80s boyband New Kids on the Block. You might know them from their unbearably punchy anthems such as “Hangin’ Tough” (because they’re “ROUGH”), or “You Got It (The Right Stuff), which pop up on Greatest Boybands of All Time Lists or on VH1, punctuated with suh-weet bashy drums, enough acid denim to actually hurt your eyes and some kind of subconscious demand that you start swinging your arms from side to side like a deranged AIDs monkey.
You might have thought that when the 80s crashed and burned in a bonfire of John Hughes films, hairspray and power suits, so did the “Kids”. Did they heck as like. A few years ago, the GENIOUS idea of their reform arrived on the scene. Was it because Donnie and co were gagging to get back in the spotlight, or because the coffers plumped out by 80 million record sales were starting to get flabby? Whatever the reasons, the outcome was good. Magical, even.
NKOTB (as they shall be thus known), dropped the new album August 2008, imaginatively titled “the Block”. With such a masculine, concrete title, you’re automatically distracted from visions of paunchy thirty year old men trying to breakdance in double denim. HOOO NOOO. This record is jampacked with classically sleazy soft r’n’b, done only as the Americans can with more gloss and polish than a national dusting competition. But no worries, for those who like their NKOTB old-skool, there’s still plenty of “hood’ references and opportunities to fling your limbs.
Despite the album apparently topping the Billboard Chart in the
I plan to take you “Step by Step” (bad reference to other NKOTB tune there…sorry.) through the highlights of this hidden gem, each with their own ghetto story to tell. From preying on lonely girls at bars to listing camera makes, they should really market this to wannabe gangstas on the prowl. You’ll thank me later, promise.
Track One: “Click Click Click”
Blog fans might have already encountered this little beauty of a low key album opener, named not after snapping fingers to some epic beats as might be thought, but rather repeated clicks of a camera manhandled by a Kid. Yes, the boys just want to take a photo of you getting ready for your big night out together. He’s been waiting bloody ages whilst you trowl on another layer of fake tan, and all he can think about is DOING IT. It’s all about stocking up the wank bank in this little ditty.
Track Two: Single (featuring Ne-Yo)
In essence, the intended “mama” (read: prey) has been stood up by her man. Lucky for her New Kids and Ne yo happen to be in the same club and they’re keen to sort the situation.What sane female could resist the combined cries of the boys hollering that she “don’t got to be alone…I’ll be your boyfriend”? One who respects the grammatical rules as laid out in the English language, that’s who.
Track 3: Big Girl Now (featuring Lady Gaga)
The collaborations just keep coming; for this romper stomper of a song the Gaga herself’s been roped in to lend a bit of gravitas to the situation. Or not. It’s all about yet another tasteful theme here, more than possibly linked to the fact that the screaming fans of the 80s are now slightly maturer ladies, where the Kids appreciate the fact that Gaga’s matured from a hormone laden “little girl” to a sassy young lady demanding that someone “beat me/ spank me daddy, come on touch my body”. The Kids sum up their appreciation of this scenario by collectively announcing that “with a body like that, you’ve got a grown man ready to blow.” Lovely.
Track 4: Summertime
A shocker this one. The outrageous sexual connotations have been suspiciously replaced with a reminiscnent Block pondering a hot summer romance of days gone by. Best bits? The hooooo bits in the background.
Just a really really good arm swinging pop song. Although the video featuring a host of “models” shipped in from the sidewalks of LA is disturbing for the boys rubbing themselves up against what are essentially bits of plastic with frozen fish faces attached.
Track 5: 2 in the Morning
OHHHHH MY GODDDD… SOOOO MUCH DRAAAAMA! There’s been a fight in the Block house; it’s two in the morning and things still haven’t been resolved. She’s not even wearing her “favourite pair of boxers which make you look so hot girl.” For god’s sake woman, he wants to know “if you’re mad at me before Gray’s Anatomy.” You can tell where the priorities lie here; no wonder she’s having a hissy fit.
“Musically”, Donnie’s continual repetition of “tick tick tock” in the background is unnerving to say the least.
Track 7: Dirty Dancing
The tempo’s been pimped out and pumped up; throw in some creepy tinkling on the invories on repeat and it's all about impressing the laydeez with the film buff knowledge. What better way to impress a woman than referencing classic 80s dance extravaganza “Dirty Dancing” and inferring some juicy roleplay by declaring that “its so crazy; she’s like Baby, I’m like Swayze”?
I’m not going lie; for the first 50 listens of this tune I didn’t get the gist at all and thought they were singing “swayzee” which was presumably some hot Yank lingo. It’s not, and I was wrong. Perfect for drinking games and excellent lubrication for a night out after playing on repeat; boys go on “Dirty” and “Swayze” girls on “Dancing” and “Baby”.
Plus, the video is absolutely, unbelivably, completely immense. Ageing boyband meets medieval Germany = music video perfection.
Track 12: Put It On My Tab (featuring Akon)
Probably my favourite off the album; a pulasating, slightly dirty number, grubbed up even more with the presence of sexobessed Akon. The boys strip themselves down to show that ultimately, they don’t care about material possessions and its not all about being up in a girl’s face “asking if I can know your name, your sign, what’s on your mind?” The general consensus is that she’s had a “long day” and she doesn’t need to be bothered by sleazeballs. Hell nizzo; they don’t even want to get her drunk. Akon’s ordered her a drink, popped it on his tab (because he’s got money to burn as if it grows on trees), both appreciating her fatigued demeanour and recognising that getting her crunked at this precise moment wouldn’t be appropriate. So that’s a “pina colada, hold the alcohol please.” What nice boys they are.
And there you have it. What better way to end this taster of the NKOTB comeback album with a chirpy tune about buying a woman a drink, sandwiched between those saturated with what are essentially creepy expressions of ageing middle-aged men’s sexual urges.
Why it wasn’t bigger, I just don’t know.
© Miranda Thompson 2010
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